Smokey Gets Smoked

“Man, I am bored.” Smokey says aloud as she smokes in bed. Smokey has been an unhappy lot, unemployed from her CRASS debt collecting job. Smokey hears a loud pound on the door. She has been expecting a package, so she answers. “Kankakee County Sherriff. Is this Mrs. Ashe?” “Yes. Who dis?” “I am here … Continue reading Smokey Gets Smoked

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It’s Time To Play: “What’s Pat’s Problem?”

It is game show night at the Autism Center and washed up artist and filmmaker Pat Splatt was hoping to pose as an a person on the spectrum so he can bully people there. Little did he know what was in store for him.

Damien Goes Postal

“It’s hotter than a boiled owl!” Damien says aloud, as he heads down the stairs to get his mail. “Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. I got my postcards off CBay. I bought over 200 from this guy, one at a time. What a great seller!” A lady across the way gives Damien the side … Continue reading Damien Goes Postal

Droning it In

Doris and Keona Krabalsky need to try a new marketing tactic to sell their pyramid schemes. They call up local yokel Robbie Hurlbutt, known for his mediocre-at-best Elvis impersonation act. “Sorry babe, I am booked solid this month. I am making love to the audience every night this month.” “Get lost, Robert.” Doris disconnects her … Continue reading Droning it In

Do It Yourself Mike

CRASS Maintenance Chief and Building Manager Mikey Philips is a real do-it-yourselfer. In charge of security, maintenance, and all building operations, Mike wears many hats (not just fedoras). However, Mike has no problem ordering other people to do his work and often does the bare minimum to satisfy his job description, or less. “Knock-knock. Hi … Continue reading Do It Yourself Mike

Spam Does Not Pay

“Aw, man. I have these diet coffee beans for sale and nobody wants to buy them. All I get are panhandlers asking for money and free coffee. Got any ideas, Pat?” street schemer Doris Krabalsky asks local spammer, Pat Splatt. “Let me introduce your idea on social media! I have a proven strategy that will … Continue reading Spam Does Not Pay

I Do Not Like Spam

“I’m With Stupid” reads the graphic tee Leona Krabalsky wears to the Kankakee job fair. She along with her younger sister, Doris, are busy manning their booth. “I hope we sell truckloads of these here essential snake oils, you oily mama!” Leona slyly says as she slaps her sister on the arm. “I hope we … Continue reading I Do Not Like Spam

Revenge is Served

Clio Bersola, best friend of Bourbannais bachelor Damien Hurlbutt’s verbally abused ex-wife, spots his posts in the “Nice Guys Looking For The Finish Line” Men’s Rights Activist (MRA) themed group on Fakebook, under her secret account JK Corona. She messages him just to mess with him, and fake-agrees with him over IM on so many … Continue reading Revenge is Served

Shop Till You Drop, Sybil!

It’s a sunny day in Kankakee and Sybil is out for a walk. Sybil is strolling to the beat of auto-tuned mumble-country in her earbuds, when she spots a green cloth bag with a dollar sign on it lying on the ground near the Last National Bank of Kankakee County. “Hmmm, what should I do?” Sybil … Continue reading Shop Till You Drop, Sybil!

Damien’s Mail-Order Bride

Damien Hurlbutt decides that it is getting too hard to pick up women in Kankakee County. Despite his most sincere offers of free movie tickets to the multiplex at which he works, all but one offer has been rejected; the lone acceptor has gone with her boyfriend instead of Damien. Damien takes his efforts to … Continue reading Damien’s Mail-Order Bride