Life is Stranger Than Fiction: Moron of the Week Awards

Jen is a magnet for morons. They keep bugging her like a fly jumping on your arm, or a bill collector calling during dinner.

Each week, as time allows, Jen will bestow upon a new moron, the coveted Moron of the Week award.

14 Jul 19 – 20 Jun 19

This moronic musician has no fans (except himself). Ennui got the best of him, it got the worst of him. Suffering from severe boredom, he projected his anger at the world onto a fellow Twitter musician and writer — as if she cared — accusing her of the netiquette crimes he committed himself in reply to a link she posted. Only she did not say anything about her work kicking…

For wishing his mom would become his second fan, and getting angry at another woman at her success, I crown him Moron of the Week. How does it feel to win?

Screenshots of his drivel posted below. Enjoy!

7 Jul 19 – 13 Jul 19

This week, we award those moronic musicians who promote themselves by spamming people on social media, thinking they are hot shots, and then get mad when they are called out. They fail to understand that networking involves giving more than taking, and think sliding into your DMs is how they will get paid.

Wake up call, fools: You will not see dollar signs by spamming people. Nor will you win the Grammy and recording contract you so desire. You will, however, win this week’s Moron of the Week Award. Please be sure to thank me and all the other people you pestered. You’re welcome.

30 Jun 19 – 6 Jul 19

Methinks we all know a few: Those nincompoops who want you to check out their work — but never comment on yours — and then whinge when you promote your own stuff, making you out to be a common criminal for doing just that. Some of these morons think this behavior is funny for some cryptic reason. Sour grapes much? Have some cheese to go with that whine.

For acting like a peed-on wet blanket, I award you clowns Moron of the Week. It’s getting kinda funky; maybe check yourself.

23 Jun 19 – 29 Jun 19

I believe there is no such thing as a stupid question. If you do not know the answer, then ask. However, I have been given a particularly bad type of answer by some people. This week’s award goes out to those fools who make the conscious choice to tell people to “look it up.”

Telling somebody to “Google it” is the equivalent of “buzz off”, with the bee sound replaced by another four-letter-word.

Have you heard the industry expression “word of mouth is the best form of advertising?” That is correct. Asking people for recommendations is valid and good for business, too!

The worst offenders tell people to look up words in the dictionary when asked how to spell them. How can one look up a word if they do not know how to spell it first?

For invalidating perfectly good questions, and acting like a general knob, I award you Moron of the Week. Now go take a powder.

9 Jun 19 – 15 Jun 19

This week we award a special kind of moron. I really wonder how people can get so bored. It takes a special kind of moron to have no life. It must be nice to be so privileged, you have time on your hands to come up with such drivel.

This fool complained about an online petition to cancel the “straight pride” parade. He then deleted this post, perhaps out of cowardice or out of consequence. For taking the liberty to oppress the LGBTQIA+ crowd when he could be using that same energy to support an LGBTQIA+ person struggling with being oppressed, I award this fabulous example of a Men’s Rights Activist, the Moron of the Week. In fact, I award you a special shiny, glittery award, just because you are so fab.

2 Jun 19 – 8 Jun 19

This week we award those tools who blast their car stereos on the highest decibel setting, playing obnoxious screaming fits that pass as music, while driving through the Starbucks lane to get their lattes. This award also goes out to the morons whose purposely install car audio systems to distort the bass and sub-bass so badly that the car’s driver, the drivers beside them, and the entire town can hear its windows rattle like farts. I also award those coworkers who purposely blast the same five tunes over and over again on their cubicle boombox, instead of making the easy, polite choice to wear headphones and keep the people around you somewhat sane. Yes, I am talking to you.

Because your music sucks and we do not want to hear it, you buffoons are now proudly awarded Moron of the Week. You heard it from here, now tell your friends, since you want an audience all for yourself.

26 May 19 – 1 Jun 19

This week’s award goes out to those fools who barge into restrooms without knocking, as if they are the first person to have to go whizz or take a dump. Seriously, why jiggle the doorknob? Do you think it will magically open if you keep standing there like a dummy?

It is not hard to knock, folks. Try it sometime. It might save yourself embarassment — the other person too — should the lock be broken. That’s right, other people have to go, not just you.

For failing to use basic manners, and for lacking human dignity, I award you fartknockers Moron of the Week.

19 May 19 – 25 May 19

This week’s Moron of the Week award goes out to those imbeciles who think it is socially acceptable to make as much noise as possible in a quiet bookstore. Maybe it makes them feel good because their lives suck so badly? I do not think I wish to know. Maybe an award will help these unfortunate folks I encounter:

Parents bring their screaming toddlers in every day to the cafe section to wail their banshee heads off, and of course, their makers care not an iota about the wellbeing of other people in the cafe, because apparently we do not exist. Do they know the difference between a bookstore and a playground? Apparently they think it is recess time here at Buckstars.

A guy comes in blasting mumble rap as high as the little speaker on his smartphone could spew it.

And, do people really need to turn the sounds effects up loud on their phones, so they know it every time they are pushing buttons? Do they?

I feel bad for the baristas because they have trouble hearing my order over the cacophony.

About the only thing I do not hear is a vuvuzela horn.

For those who think it is okay to use their outside voices in an inside place, I award you Moron of the Week. Now shout it off the rooftop!

12 May 19 – 18 May 19

“La di da di da.” — Sybil Kibble

This week’s award recipient reminds me a lot of Sybil Kibble, only he is a real character.

Today, some guy I never met was intentionally humming really loudly in a quiet bookstore/cafe to draw attention to himself and to bother people. I got up to order a drink, and briefly glanced over in his direction to see where I was going. As I did, he snarked, “Oh, did my humming BOTHER you?”

I continued to ignore this strange fellow, whom I could hear over my headphones. He looked over to me as I walked away from him and asked me in a faux-polite tone, “Did my humming bother you?”

As my food and drink got prepared, I went to my seat to gather things. I felt increasingly uncomfortable with his 2 going on 20 questions and decided to move seats. He looked over at me as if he still wanted my attention. I thought to myself, “No, dude, I am not interested in your attempts at winding people up. There are plenty of books in here to read. Do something productive with your idle time.”

Because this moron thought I was born yesterday, I have awarded him the Moron of the Week. Here is that attention you ordered.

Well, la-di-da.

Week of 5 May – 11 May 19

Have you ever been bullied? Do you know how awful that feels? I hope not.

This week’s award goes out to all the suckers who think it is okay to allow people to bully others. These people include the social media group administrators who boot the victims of mobbing instead of the bullies who commit the mobbing. They also include the teachers who side with the wannabe Beavis and Buttheads who bully, torment, and sexually harass students relentlessly and get away with it. This class of moron further includes the imbeciles that think it is okay to side with the narcissistic former spouse who smear campaigns their ex. Yes, I am talking to you.

Because you have the power to help the helpless, and instead empower the aggressors, I award you fools Morons of the Week. Go get a hobby and some anger management.

Visit http://www.flyingmonkeysdenied.com and learn some empathy.

Week of 21 Apr – 27 Apr 19

Space invaders are the worst. No, I am not talking pixellated UFOs and aliens. This award goes out to morons like the boomer woman who poked me today while I was politely waiting for the bus driver to give me the go-ahead to board. You see, I waited for other passengers to get off first. When I looked at her, she gave me a “hurry up” motion and pointed to the driver. I clenched my teeth and gave her a thumbs up. Try and guess which finger I used.

It also goes out to parents who allow their kids to push strangers in line at the water park, enabling bad bevavior by not doing anything about it. It also goes out to creepy guys who yank off ladies’ headphones on the subway because they are butthurt the ladies are not talking to them, and the nasty jerk who thought it was okay to touch my arm and ask “what was wrong with” it.

To all the morons who invade people’s space because their manners suck, and allow their kids to do so and allow that bad behavior to fester, I award you Moron of the Week. Try and touch it, I dare you!

Week of 14 Apr – 20 Apr 19

This week’s Moron of the Week is a real winner. He is looking for a special friend who likes Chariots of the Gods, bullying people and pretending not to, and does not have Tadive Dyskenisia. Having disabilities is a dealbreaker for ableist narcissists like him, even though Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a DSM-V classified Cluster-B Mental Health Disorder (though as a classic NPD patient, he will likely never admit it). I award this Ancient Astronaut Theorist, Moron of the Week. Enjoy!

Week of 31 Mar 19 – 6 Apr 19

This week’s award emerges for a reason. It goes out to a special kind of moron and we all know who you are. You wind people up for no reason, other than your enjoyment. You read aloud in a quiet bookstore, invalidate a stranger in a feminist social media group just to upset him, and make lewd comments at women you do not know just to get them upset. You have no agenda, no cause; your own pleasure from witnessing other people cringe in reaction to your own behavior is your sole pleasure in life. For this I award you Moron of the Week and nominate you for Moron of the Year.

This award brought to you by:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UDyGb6nAlQ

Week of 3 Mar 19 – 9 Mar 19

What ever happened to “The Customer is Always Right” and good customer service in general? If I see one more retail worker complain about their customers online or in real life, I am going to scream. Cry me a river, all the way to the unemployment line. Someone else can have your job.

This week’s award goes to a very special employee. This orange-neckbearded pizza guy did such a poor job — complaining about his pizza customers out loud, as I waited twice as long for my food as he stated — had he paid attention to how he packed my items, they would not have spilled onto the cold pavement after I had walked out his establishment.

For causing a plop factor which could have been prevented with good customer care, I avoid this pizza dude Moron of the Week.

Week of 17 Feb 19 – 23 Feb 19

This week’s Moron of the Week is a bit of a mystery. This secretive gentleman slid into my Facebook Direct Messaging (DM) box with no warning, nor context. I never met him in real life either. For all I know, he could be a Nexus-2 or Nexus-3 test model Replicant deployed online by Dr. Eldon Tyrell himself. Because of this unsolicited, unprovoked, moronic, word salad-styled verbal attack, I crown him Moron of the Week.

Week of 3 Feb 19 – 9 Feb 19

This collective Moron of the Week Award goes out to all the lousy saps who gave me terrible customer service lately. Consider putting in your two weeks and getting a job digging ditches, pulling weeds, or peeling potatoes so you do not have to see people. That is my only tip for you awardees!

Here are the fine finalists:

The sassy nurse who tried to get out of filling out important paperwork which would enable me to afford my doctor-prescribed medication.

The grouchy office worker who hung up on me and accused me of no-showing two appointments which the office rescheduled without my consent, and one I missed because I was in the hospital.

The building manager who argued with me about sending down a maintenance worker to fix my broken door leading into my apartment after-hours, not wanting to pay him overtime, and not caring about potential burglars and rapists.

To you, I award the Collective Moron of the Week Award. Go home and enjoy it together, since misery loves company!

Week of 27 Jan 19 – 2 Feb 19

I spotted the homophobic bumper sticker on this imbecile machine and instantly crowned this White Anglo-Saxon, Presumably Protestant (WASPP) couple. Shortly after I took a single snapshot of the offending truck, its drivers accosted me, saying “she either really likes ‘em or she really hates ‘em.” I asked the middle-aged woman who uttered said remark how she was doing; she said “God Bless you,” and asked me how I was.

I told her “I am not a homophobe” as I made my way as far away from these Morons of the Week as I could. That hypocrite mumbled something from her beat up Ford about Jesus, to which I replied “Love thy neighbour as thyself.”

For cherrypicking Bible verses and leaving out others in their efforts to oppress people, I award these fartknockers a shiny, new Moron of the Week Award.

Week of 13 Jan 19 – 19 Jan 19

I was headed home on the bus, minding my own business, when I suddenly heard over my headphones, “The Wall will save us money.” An argument broke out between three people, insults were hurled and threats were made. This was the real-life equivalent of an Internet political debate gone awry. 

The bus driver, visibly uncomfortable, made a call using her bus phone. I got off the bus early to protect my hide and to get a sandwich.

For acting un-civil in a bus full of strangers, I award these three folks the collective Moron of the Week Award. This week’s Moron of the Week is brought to you by the Number 45 and this song:

Week of 6 Jan 19 – 12 Jan 19

I was walking toward my apartment building when I spotted this Failmobile. I photographed the car with my phone, which I had never seen before in my apartment complex, thinking it would make a great specimen for my favourite “Sounds Like MLM But OK” Facebook group (the non-ban happy one). After I took this photo, contact details edited out to protect the guilty, a young lady unbeknownst to me came out of the woodwork like a long lost classmate messaging you on Facebook.

“Excuse me Miss, excuse me!” she said, clearly ignoring my headphones. I turned around the other way and kept walking. “Excuse me, do you live here?” this presumed hunbot asked me, a lot like Doris Krabalsky, the Kankakee steet MLM seller.

I walked into my apartment, tuning out the wannabe hunbot. For bothering me when I am clearly not interested, I award this hun the Moron of the Week. I cannot make this crap up.

Week of 30 Dec 18 – 5 Jan 19

New Year’s Edition!

I went into Staples to buy a charger for my phone without the moronic folding plugs, because, y’know the prongs love to try and fold down whenever I plug in my phone, its useless folding mechanism preventing the thing from doing its one and only job. 

Stores must charge a convenience fee for the less aggravating chargers. The salesman talked me into buying the $8 non-folding model (which rang up to $10 on the register) over the $6 model due to its faster charging capability. The frustrating folding model cost only $5. 

After I agreed to pay a whole two dollar bill more for the faster model, the salesman called me a “good girl”. He may as well have petted me on the head and fed me a treat. I am not a puppy.

For treating me like a dog, this sales clerk gets the coveted Moron of the Week Award. Happy New Year, Woof-Woof!

Week of 23 Dec 18 – 29 Dec 18

Christmas Edition!

This moron really has the Holiday spirit. I was sitting down, minding my own business, when this moron knocked over my cane. I asked her not once, not twice, but three times to pick it up. Crickets chirped. I then asked her if she spoke English. She must have heard that loud and clear, because she then asked me, “why did you ask me if I speak English?” I then reiterated to her that she knocked my cane over which I told her thrice. Since I never got an apology, just an excuse that she did not hear me, I award this cheerful woman the Holiday Moron of the Week.

Week of 18 Nov 18 – 24 Nov 18

This week’s Moron of the Week Award submission arrived via Facebook, and speaks for itself.

This post has been brought to you by Emperor Norton, and the letters K L F. Fnord.

Week of 11 Nov 18 – 17 Nov 18

I called out some nitwit yesterday for mocking me in a takeout place. I do not think he had seen it coming. He had mocked my voice not long after demanding “plenty of fortune cookies” from the server who took his order and complained for not having been reminded of his free soda can. I sternly and firmly said to him “Do not mock me” after he had sarcastically parroted something I had said to his cell phone buddy. He did not bother me after that.

This was the look on my face when I stood up to him.

For his moronic efforts, I crown him Moron of the Week.

Week of 7 Oct 18 – 13 Oct 18

It costs nothing to be nice. However, this geezer on the bus never learned that life lesson. For his lack of trying, I award him MoronicArts.com’s Moron of the Week Award. Put it with your medals and trophies, ol’ dude!

As I sat in the front of the bus in the accessible section, with my visible cane in tow, he asked me to get up. I told him I walk with a cane and I have every right to this seat. As he took his seat, since there was room for him, too, he went on some diatribe about having been in a war. I told him “goodbye” and tuned him out via headphones.

A few minutes later, after I relaxed myself since this old fart made me feel validly angry, I decided to stand up for myself. As he was going on talking about himself and the lady next to him was looking away, I interrupted him and said, “you know, I have something to say. Young people can be disabled too. I have a neurological condition with no cure. I have every right to this seat and you have no business trying to shame me out of it.” He dismissed me and I put back on my headset.

As he exited the bus, the driver could not wait for the grumpy geezer to leave. “I am not 25, you know! I am not 25!” the old dope exclaimed as he made his way off the bus. Whether or not that was a dig at me, the world will never know. I would take it as a compliment, as I am only 41.

Week of 23 Sept 18 to 29 Sept 18

This week’s award goes out to two people, so girls, you need to learn to share.

Two twits sitting at my table in a local bookstore had such pathetically boring lives, they thought it was a good idea to trash talk their fellow students and I. As I got up to use the restroom, one of them commented to the other, she is using the restroom AGAIN!” Other remarks overheard included one about a fellow college student they assumed “had no friends” because she thought he was “weird.” What do you get when you ass-ume? You make an ASS out of U and ME.

Because their lives are so unproductive that these morons find the need to talk about complete strangers and their bathroom trips, I award these college kids the Moron of the Week Award. Now that is something to talk about!

Week of 2 Sept 18 to 8 Sept 18

Today’s award is a special award: The Golden Moron Award. It goes out to a moron whose moronic deeds go above and beyond that of your everyday moron. Behold:

On a Facebook support group, this little moron was not so supportive. You see, she argued with me for the sake of arguing, much like Grump Whisperer Leona Krabalsky would. When she lost the argument, she got ugly. She said I had no friends, much like a grade schooler bullying a classmate. But wait, there is more! This moron had the nerve to make fun of me for being on the autism spectrum. As if she thought making fun of people with disabilities was cool.

For these actions, I bestow upon this special person a special prize: The Golden Moron Award!

Week of 26 Aug 18 to 1 Sept 18

Author Jen is trying to sell some rings on Facebook. Check out these moronic replies she gets from this week’s Moron of the Week! Moron’s name and photo has been blurred to protect the guilty.

MotW 30 Aug 18

MotW 30 Aug 18 SS2

Week of 19 Aug to 25 Aug 18

The collective award goes out to all the morons who jiggle the bathroom door while I am in it, thinking they are the only people on the planet that have to pee. Congratulations! You are just like Sybil.

Week of 5 Aug 18 to 11 Aug 18

Last week, while waiting at a bus stop, a cyclist riding on the wrong side of the road yelled out to me, “the bus is not here yet.” He failed to read the memo stating that mansplaining is not the way to a woman’s heart.

Week of 29 Jul – 4 Aug 2018

Some lady outside of Price Chopper yelled out her car to me, “Do you have extensive psoriasis?” as she puffed away at her cigarette and she told her kids “you will get air later”. Life is truly stranger than fiction.

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