Bottom Feeder

Damien strokes his orange neckbeard and pulls his blue jeans over his gut hanging out his too-small tee.

“Not again! These tampon ads ruin my reruns of the Dude Show! They come on when I watch Family Dad too! I swear, they must know I am watching!” Damien screams.

Damien’s cell phone plays a distorted tune he recorded long ago by holding it up to his TV.

“Hey Robbie!”

“Hey, hey.” Robbie says in his faux-Elvis tone.

“I’m back.”

“I’m front.” Robbie sarcastically says, using his routine gag.

“Hey Robbie, good timing. These tampon and maxi pad commercials keep interruping my shows. I swear this company knows I am watching and eating.”

“Call them up. I see those ads on those tapes you give me. It is funny because that cartoon comes on every Sunday night, and the show takes place in the capital of Illinois.”

“I think I will complain”. Damien hangs up his phone and goes to his computer. He types this message:

——

From: “Damien U. Hurlbutt” [ConnivingPimp@hautemail.con]

To: customerservice@bottomlineprodux.calm

Subject: Stop interrupting my shows!

It has come to my attention that your advertising interrupts my manly programming. You, a maker of feminine products, constantly interrupt me while I eat during my favorite shows. Obviously, you know that the shows you play your ads during are shows for men, yet your products are for women. Stop showing your ads while I eat!

Sincerely,

A manly man

——

The next day, Damien is sitting down, watching reruns of the Dude Show. “Not another tampon ad! I just started eating my mushroom cheeseburgers!”

He hears a ding on his phone, indicating he has a new email, which he reads:

——

To: “Damien U. Hurlbutt” [ConnivingPimp@hautemail.con]

From: “Customer Care” [customerservice@bottomlineprodux.calm]

Dear Damien:

Thank you for signing up for our mailing list! You will receive daily updates telling you all about our feminine product line. Becuase you provided your cell phone number, we will text you daily, too! Thank you for your interest in our company and for signing up!

The Bottom Line Sanitary Product Divsion

——

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